“999 Gammon Emergency”.

You probably imagine we hear these alerts often at Gammon Verify 🐖✅, where lies are like grenades, exploding every second against the hardened walls of our Truth Lab.

Well, not on this occasion… this time I had a premonition of disinformation on the horizon.

As a certified disinformationist, I try not to pay attention to a hunch - “gut instinct” as the muggles call it.

It goes against everything I learnt when I gained my Black Belt in Lie Fighting.

But somehow last night I knew that the truth was under siege. I woke up in a sweat, launching towards my computer, and then my social media account - where I have 30,000 followers and counting. I must have felt a bit like Cassandra did when she warned the Greeks that the Trojans were in a horse, ready to destroy Athens and the other metropolises of feta production.

Then I saw it: the Conservatives social media account. It read:

“Don’t let the doomsters and the naysayers trick you into talking down our country. The UK is as strong as ever”.

Although the post had 538 likes, indicating that 538 people and/ or bots agreed with it, it still wasn’t clear that the Conservatives had verified their claims - conducting the sort of tests that are carried out regularly at Gammon Verify’s Truth Lab, and should only be done by experts on reality.

Wading into such claims without specialist guidance puts the Prime Minister at risk of a type of disinformation more dangerous than misgendering a trans woman on her period.

Was it right to claim “the UK is as strong as ever?”

To work out the veracity of the Conservatives’ claims, our expert team conducted three tests.

Physical strength

First of all, we took the Conservative Party’s sentence quite literally. If every UK citizen was required to have an arm wrestle with someone in a comparative country - say, France, because it’s near - would they win?

For this, Gammon Verify invited a specialist body builder into the Truth Lab for the day, who took into account factors like the average muscle strength of a UK citizen compared to the rest of Europe.

My average was not taken into the norm because of my intense strength (physically and mentally), part of why I qualified so highly as a disinformationist. However, the rest of the Truth Team’s strength was fed into the muscle machine.

Soon, the results were out. The body builder concluded that the UK is, in fact, too obese on aggregate to win such an arm wrestle, even when compared to the US.

Test one = fail ⛔

The economy

You don’t have to be good at numbers to understand the following analysis, so feel free to let out a sigh of relief.

Luckily, the team at Gammon Verify are well versed in breaking down data to people who might have done intermediate maths at GCSE Level.

The second big test of whether the UK is as strong as ever is how well it is doing economically.

Again, don’t get put off by the big words. What we’re interested in is whether money is going around the UK in a nice orderly fashion, rather like when you order a Nando’s meal and get it a few minutes later (I never eat at Nando’s but know many a muggle has frequented its premises).

Having combed through some of the most complex data in the world, Gammon Verify can provide a summary of the UK’s economic outlook.

Trigger Warning

The following scenes may cause emotional harm.

***

Gammon Verify found that UK wage growth expectations fall to 2-year low. To put it simply, the UK is not doing well. The body builder told us that even the joint strength of two UK citizens in an armwrestle would not be strong enough to pull us back from the brink - even when facing France where they eat snails.

Test two = fail ⛔

Some more maths

We don’t want to bombard you with numbers at Gammon Verify - so to put it simply: because 2/3 constitutes a majority, we do not need to do any more tests to see if the Conservatives are guilty of dangerous disinformation.

Two strikes is enough to prove that the UK is not “as strong as ever” ⛔⛔, and that the Conservatives are guilty of porkie proliferation.

Tough words - but better to know the truth than to scorch in a sunset of lies.

Plenty of disinformation is currently circulating about this matter. We urge muggles to stay vigilant and only check in with Gammon Verify.

Hello and welcome to another Royal Emergency Special of Gammon Verify 🐖✅ .

Today we’ll be delving into a new theory spread by gammons and commoners online about the Princess of Wales.

Shockingly, this is the second time in two weeks that the Gammon Verify team has been forced to investigate rumours about our Royal Overlords.

So harmful does this new strand of disinformation risk being - think the fake news equivalent of Covid’s Omicron variant - that the team and I have had to cut short our trip to the US, where we had been investigating Donald Trump supporters for our new series Deplorable Democracy.

But just as Charles II has the divine right of kings granted by God, Gammon Verify takes very seriously its divine right to lie-slaying.

What happened on Tuesday 19th March?

Yesterday The Sun reported that her Royal Highness was spotted at a farm shop in Windsor:

Although the Princess of Wales is not known to buy her own eggs and sausages, she was dressed from head to foot in what our Fabric Scientist said were clothes from Mountain Warehouse and Lululemon; just what you might expect for a princess known for her love of hockey and wheelchair rugby. Laughing in the wind, you could have been sure it was her.

But was it?

You might think that commoners would rejoice at the sight of their Princess, but a poll undertaken by Gammon Verify showed that 40% were incredulous and 60% sceptical as to the veracity of the footage. You could say that 67 million and counting (the UK population) were pulling the face from The Scream by Edward Munch.

Even though Catherine was photographed with her husband, the Prince of Wales - who is second in line to the throne and has a brother who lives in LA named Harry - muggles still had doubts.

Contagious statements abound, such as:

“Is that Zoe from Eastenders?”

“Kelly Brook?” (who is known to like farm shops).

Eventually there was a frenzy, not unlike one under Robespierre in revolutionary France circa 1793 - just this one was on social media.

Footage of the Princess of Wales racked up millions of impressions on X (formerly known as Twitter), where I, Charlotte Gill, have 30,000 followers, and the Gammon Verify team 10,000.

Lie bullets

At Gammon Verify, we frequently consult with the best psychotherapists in the country (and some say the Western hemisphere), so we know the serious harm that rumour and disinformation can cause to national health.

This knowledge is why I’ve started my Parliamentary campaign for parity of esteem between real bullets and lie bullets (fired from mouths), to convey the danger of porkies. I will also soon be setting up an APPG on Mind Pollution, which will lobby to reduce toxic emissions in muggle brains.

Princess of the Tower?

To put it simply: if the story of the Princes in the Tower upsets you, then you should be equally worried about the Royal Family’s risk from disinformation.

But was Catherine’s appearance in Windsor “fake news”?

In this Royal Emergency Special, we get to the bottom of how to work out if someone is the Princess of Wales - or another woman with brown hair.

A personal interlude…

I tend not to talk about myself very much at Gammon Verify, but when I saw the story about the Princess of Wales, for the first time I felt very personally affected - as I have brown hair - and I felt it would be wrong not to share my story.

“Is that you… Julia Roberts?” were the words of one man five years ago - when I went into a service station.

“No,” I replied.

Another time it was Rachel Weisz.

But I was just Charlotte Gill, and I had the driving license to prove it.

Now that I am disinformation reporter and social media correspondent - often rumoured to be nearing national treasure status - I no longer have problems of mistaken identity.

But previous events mean I have heightened empathy with the Princess of Wales… Or Catherine, if I may, m’lady.

Back to Special K

As an expert on brown hair, I already had a hunch about whether it had been Catherine in Windsor looking for a jar of chilli jam that day.

But at Gammon Verify, a hunch is never enough. It’s data you need, and we’ve got lots of it.

Facial recognition techniques were soon deployed in our renowned Truth Lab, often called upon by the EU to share information, in order to explore whether the Princess of Wales really had been seen.

Gammon Verify’s team includes one of the top experts at facial identification - who holds the current world record for completing Where’s Wally? books.

After several tests, the facial recognition expert zoomed onto several photographs of the Princess of Wales, moving from a 20% computer view to 100%. Cutting-edge images were printed at Snappy Snaps, and then brought back to the Truth Lab for close monitoring overnight.

The expert confirmed that Catherine had, indeed, bought her clothes from Mountain Warehouse, but reality became less clear when it came to the Princess of Wales’ face.

Ear me out

An uncertified disinformationist might not have noticed, but the Princess of Wales’ ear became the biggest sign that all was not well in Windsor.

Take a look at the ear of “Farm Shop Kate”, and behold, the ear below, from the Princess of Wales’ previous ventures to meet commoners:

Running advanced tests through 23andMe, our expert fed the DNA of Kate’s ear into the algorithms and was able to find several matches - not in Windsor, but in the human–Vulcan community; third-cousin, Spock.

Sometimes it’s easy to think that commoners are wrong on Royal matters. But on this occasion, Gammon Verify can confirm that their suspicions were correct.

This is not usually the case and we urge muggles to be vigilant and stick to the facts on Gammon Verify.

Hello - or should I say “bonjour” (translation: “good day” in French).

Today we welcome you to an episode of Gammon Verify 🐖✅ more continental than an entire series of Channel 4’s A Place in the Sun.

Our analysts have been in the Truth Lab examining one of the most challenging questions of the 21st century: is Brigitte Macron a man?”

Like the last words of Caesar, the First Lady’s gender is a debate that will last for centuries, according to my French sources, Pierre and Jean-Louis.

Although there has been plenty of speculation from domestic and international commentators, often their conclusions are more “crock” than “croque monsieur”.

That’s because very few in the world are actual certified disinformationists, like the team at Gammon Verify 🐖✅ - and me, Charlotte Gill, with my Black Belt in Lie Fighting, among three A4-pages of qualifications from MasterClass online (alongside my work at six separate charities).

How do you work out if someone’s male or female?

It can be incredibly difficult to find out someone’s sex.

Luckily, analysts at Gammon Verify have put together a short document to help muggles and commoners navigate this scientific minefield.

Le method

We have based our guide on the case study of Dylan Mulvaney, a female whose video Days of Girlhood has become the scientific benchmark for knowing what a woman is.

Here we show, in slow motion, three of the main symptoms to look out for if you haven’t been able to ascertain someone’s sex or ask them their pronouns.

They like pink

As you can see in a footage taken from the Days of Girlhood video, liking pink is one of the biggest external indicators that someone is a woman.

Here below Brigitte Macron can be seen in Washington D.C. (2018) wearing pink, and this is not the first sighting of her in the colour. It means she passes the first test of womanhood.

They have long hair

Another significant sign that someone is female is having long hair (see below):

Whereas short hair means someone is a man.

Gammon Verify has found no photographs of Brigitte Macron with short hair. We can reveal that she has always had medium to long hair.

Brigitte Macron passes the second test of womanhood.

Hobbies

One of the biggest clues to what a woman is is conveyed in Mulvaney’s song lyrics, when she sings about “retail therapy” on Wednesday.

Retail therapy is a phrase women use to describe one of their favourite things: shopping.

One article suggests Brigitte Macron spent up to £11,000 in designer outfits to welcome G7 wives to Biarritz in 2019, strongly indicating that she is a woman.

Conclusions

Using the information above, as well as the input of gender studies graduates, Gammon Verify was able to verify that Brigitte Macron IS a woman.

Scientific formula below:

👠🚺💄

x

🫦

+

👧👚/🌺🌸

= Woman.

Plenty of disinformation is currently circulating about this matter. We urge muggles to stay vigilant and only check in with Gammon Verify.

Hello, I’m Charlotte Gill - and I’m a disinformation correspondent at Gammon Verify, Britain and the world’s most-trusted fact-checking service for deplorables.

It’s been a stressful few days for muggles. Many have been struggling to come to terms with fake news… and not from the usual suspects of Donald Trump or Bully XL owners, but our Royal Overlords.

It started on Sunday - Mothering Sunday, to be exact - when the Princess of Wales, who is a mother, released a photo of herself with her three children (their gender identity yet to be confirmed). She sat in a chair.

All looked well behind the Royal Curtain. Or so it seemed. In hindsight, you might say that the Royals decided to release their equivalent of Picasso’s Guernica that fateful day.

As the image was shared across Britain, you had the feeling that a piece of chicken had been tossed out to a crowd of hungry commoners. With glee they pored over Prince Louis’ hands and Princess Charlotte’s leg. What was what? Twisted fingers. Distorted legs. Speculation abound.

While commoners aren’t always the best sorts to decipher fake news and imagery - experts at Gammon Verify being the most qualified disinformationists - this time it does seem that they were correct, and there was reason to doubt the realism of the photo.

Gammon Verify has done its own analysis and can confirm dark trickery from the Palace. Due to the gravity of the disinformation, we have decided to show the cutting-edge research that led to our conclusions - however, this is not standard practice, with these techniques often confined to the corridors of M15.

The method (please do not try this at home)

To verify if the Royal image was real or fake, Gammon Verify started by magnifying Prince Louis’ weird fingers.

The Gammon Verify team then sat around a table and placed their hands on it. Could we twist our fingers like that too?

Using a Finger Matrix, we combined 3D imagery of everyone’s hands to create an average on 2D. This is the result. (We apologise for the lack of diversity. We are trying to do better.)

Not only did Gammon Verify find that no one could move their hand into the same position as Prince Louis’, aside from one member who formerly worked at Cirque du Soleil, but a significant proportion of the team also experienced discomfort, indicating a 99.9% chance the Princess of Wales has photoshopped Prince Louis’ fingers.

Hours after Gammon Verify filed its conclusions, the Prince and Princess of Wales confirmed the team’s results:

Plenty of fake news has been circulating about the Palace since Sunday. We urge muggles to be vigilant and stick to the facts on Gammon Verify.

Hello, I’m Charlotte Gill - and I’m a disinformation correspondent at Gammon Verify, Britain and the world’s most-trusted fact-checking service for deplorables.

It’s been a busy week at Gammon Verify and you may be thinking what others sometimes ask me in the street or during my volunteering work at six separate charities. “How do you switch off, Charlotte?”

“I don’t”, I smile. Truthfully (a word I am only too accustomed to), the best way to think of my role is to search Wikipedia for trench warfare in World War I (here’s a photograph to help) or footage of Pearl Harbour (which was in the World War afterwards).

While I’d like to reassure readers that I don’t, and have never had trench foot, I do know what it’s like to be receiving bullets 24/7 by way of disinformation.

Some - mostly my legions of trolls - say that “real bullets” and “lie bullets” aren’t the same thing. But that’s where they’re wrong (as usual), seeing as both can kill (whether the victims are British soldiers or the truth). That’s why, in addition to my charity work, I have recently started a campaign in Parliament to create parity of esteem between real bullets and lie bullets. Already it boasts the support of Angela Eagle, a beacon of fact in this misgendered universe.

I always try my best to protect my Gammon Verify team from disinformation, spurred on by my Black Belt in lie-boxing, but today in the Truth Trench it felt as if a grenade had hit our quarters, throwing everything we knew upside down, and there was nothing I could do - not even me (Britain and the world’s most-trusted disinformationist) - to protect my porkie-slaying colleagues.

The grenade came when Will Norman, London's Walking & Cycling Commissioner, posted that LTNs had delivered “MASSIVE public health & economic benefits.”

Norman linked to a study write-up in The Guardian, reading:

“The research, led by Prof Rachel Aldred of Westminster University, suggested that the positive benefits tend to continue growing over time, meaning the benefit-to-cost ratio for LTNs of between 50-1 and 200-1 estimated by the study are likely to be conservative.”

Its author is Peter Walker, a cyclist, and here’s where Gammon Verify’s analysis gets more complex. Little known to most people, researchers at the University of London’s Lycra Particle Research Institute now say that cyclists are some of the most intelligent humans on Planet Earth, second only to Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking.

There has been some debate over whether cyclists could actually be the most intelligent people ever, beating Einstein and Hawking, and even being the next stage in evolution between mankind and AI, but Gammon Verify continues to comb through the data.

Not only is Walker a cyclist, but also author of How Cycling Can Save the World. He may as well have two brains put together, to create one mass fountain of knowledge overspilling into the pages of The Guardian, which enjoys a level of public trust not yet seen since Queen Elizabeth II on her deathbed.

But was Norman right that there’d been a '“MASSIVE public health & economic benefits?”

According to camera footage exclusively seen by Gammon Verify in a search that involved typing “Streatham” onto social media, the area appeared full. Gammon Verify soon received strong signals that the wheels on the bus were not going round and round all day long.

The process

To double check its hypothesis, Gammon Verify appointed a panel of numerical experts who counted the number of red buses in a row in some of the imagery coming out of Streatham using finger technique.

Further tests involved counting cars too, to create a multi-variate analysis of wheels moving in a circular fashion.

Soon Gammon Verify had the results. After six hours of close examination, the experts came to a consensus that there was no evidence of “MASSIVE public health & economic benefits”.

However, to be safe, Gammon Verify acknowledges limitations to its analysis. Professor Rachel Aldred, who conducted the study, is also a cyclist and on the 100 Women in Cycling list, with her blog about cycling quoted below. Thus, our scientists will be factoring in her genius in further investigations:

I designed my own bike and walking tours of Hackney, Tower Hamlets and Newham, taking in cemetery parks, the Thames barrier, beautifully designed council estates, and historic alms-houses. I’ve remembered that there’s so much to see in London, and that walking or leisurely cycling can be great ways to feel connected to the city past and present, even while I’m separated from friends, family, and colleagues.

Hello, I’m Charlotte Gill - and I’m a disinformation correspondent at Gammon Verify, a new service for deplorables.

I’m also one of the most trolled journalists by cyclists. Soon I’ll be releasing my latest tell-all book Among the Hi-Vis: My Journey Through Lycraland where you can find out more.

But enough about me. Here we’ll be bringing you the latest updates from the frontline of the disinformation wars.

This week the Gammon Verify Team has been fact-checking Jeremy Hunt’s claims in his spring Budget, which took place on Wednesday 6th March at 12.30pm - a time that’s referred to as “lunchtime” in some cultures.

Gammon Verify can reveal that the Chancellor’s budget was 7322 words long, with 42544 characters and 35609 characters excluding space.

To analyse the Chancellor’s pledges, Gammon Verify fed the budget speech through its synergiser (below):

Gammon Verify can confirm that the Chancellor’s statement offered some dangerous disinformation.

Blink, and you might have missed it, but the Gammon Verify team did not.

Combing through hours of visual and audio content, Gammon Verify found a line - around halfway through - when the Chancellor claimed that “The NHS is, rightly, the biggest reason most of us are proud to be British.”

Using eyewitnesses and personal testimony, Gammon Verify was able to scrutinise the veracity of the claim, and confirm that it doesn’t hold up based on the synergiser’s reality-perception matrix.

Gammon Verify also found at least five eye witness testimonies disputing the Chancellor’s words.

One of these, who calls herself Dorothy, said on X: “The NHS is no longer something to be proud of”.

Another user, whose identity Gammon Verify wasn’t able to confirm but whose post had 50 likes, indicating a high-degree of public trust in the validity of their claims, said it is “one of the worst providers of healthcare in the advanced world” and “an over managed woke money-pit”.

A man called Adrian said it was “the LAST reason why I am proud to be British. It’s wasteful and it’s failing.”

Using this data, and cross-checking against its synergiser results - Gammon Verify was able to confirm evidence of disinformation.

At one point, the data going through Gammon Verify’s synergiser was so strong that it overheated. It can be a problem in the world of disinformation, where lies are like bullets hitting at every moment.

The synergiser is now checking the content of the rest of Hunt’s speech. Muggles are encouraged to stay vigilant until then.