My plan to conquer Waterstones... as a Woke Author

"Henry VIII: Would-be Ethical Non-Monogamist" is one of my great ideas

It’s not easy trying to make it as an author…

Never mind the quality of the book itself. What about you? Are you “underrepresented” enough to get “represented”?

I don’t think I am - even despite the fact my Ancestry DNA test says I’m 47 percent Irish, with roots in North Connacht and South Mayo, making me just as special as Joe Biden.

But it would be no good if I were to submit a manuscript to, say, Ash Literary, an agency that isn’t “interested in stories about white able bodied WW2 evacuees but would welcome that story from a disabled, LGBTQ+ or BIPOC perspective.”

It adds that “If your book is about an identity that is not yours, we will not be a good fit.” That’s me and my evacuee novel out.

But in recent times I felt hopeful, having discovered that you can “identify” as an identity, Rachel Dolezal-style. See Arts Council England guidance below:

Publishing company Peepal Tree Press welcomes “writers who identify as women or womxn”, as an example of the literary industry’s attitude.

So I’m chewing over what I may “identify” as. Maybe I am “queer”, like Dannii Minogue, who also fancies men.

While I go through this process of Dolezalfication, I have started to work on my book ideas. Browsing Waterstones over the years I have become well versed in what is expected of me to break into the market.

It wouldn’t be good enough to write just any book. You need a little extra - a sprinkle of anti-capitalist sentiment here and there, and a rage against the patriarchy or heteronormativity - paired with being disparaging about Britain. As I’ve always wanted to write non-fiction, and enjoy history, I’ve carried these themes through with me to my pitches.

I’ve taken inspiration from the likes of Caroline Lucas, whose book Another England: How to Reclaim Our National Story bemoans how “The right have hijacked Englishness.”

“Can it be reclaimed?” asks Lucas before moving onto the happy ending we all needed, where “English people's progressive spirit, radical inclusivity and ancient commitment to nature” triumph.

There’s also Unruly by David Mitchell, which documents past monarchs in “a tale of narcissists, inadequate self-control, excessive beheadings, middle-management insurrection, uncivil wars, and at least one total Cnut” and the intellectual heavyweight Philip Stephens with his book Britain Alone: The Path from Suez to Brexit.

I think I have hit the mark with my pitches and have decided to share them with my own elite audience. I should be interested to know which one you think can help me get rich with a poll at the end. Without further ado, here are my ideas. COPYRIGHT: CHARLOTTE GILL.

Henry VIII: Would-be Ethical Non-Monogamist
To this day Henry VIII is renowned as a cruel tyrant and murderer. But this new volume will set out how he was oppressed by heteronormative expectations in Tudor society. Suppressed by his poly-phobic elders, and unable to express his emotions among his cis male friends, he soon developed fully-fledged toxic masculinity, culminating in the executions of Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard. I set out how a would-be ethical non-monogamist became “non-ethical king” (through the prism of cultural relativism).

Spartacus: Menstruation and Sand
Little known to modern audiences, transphobia was rife in 103–71 BC under the Roman Republic. Using cutting-edge Foucauldian analysis from SOAS university’s world-leading “Transnational Queer Feminist Politics” Masters degree, I will show how slaves were intersectionally unequal, some experiencing not only bloodshed through war but via trans menstruation and a systemic lack of male tampons.

Elizabeth I: Age of Asexual
Although Elizabeth I is often described as “The Virgin Queen”, cultural historians now think “Ace (Asexual) Monarch” is a more apt title. This cutting-edge volume explains how Elizabeth’s “favourite” Robert Dudley was no more than a cover for the Queer Queen. Both demisexual and greysexual, Elizabeth’s ruling strategy often directly corresponded to where she was on the Ace spectrum that day.

Vegan Vikings
Renowned for violence and a meat-based diet, this book uncovers the softer side of the Vikings. Modern audiences will have almost no comprehension of the fact that they were some of the most prolific consumers of vegan food, opting for pickled vegetables, oats and lingonberries, as much as they enjoyed meat. Much of the ignorance around the Viking diet comes down to Scandi-phobia, which is demonstrated through the existence of the genre Nordic Noir. Far from revered, we should curse this TV category, which reinforces that Scandis are violent sex addicts.

Queer-Pire
Think it was Mahatma Gandhi who had the biggest impact in ending British Colonial Rule? Well think again. Gandhi was known for a close circle of young women surrounding him, including Sushila Nayyar, his personal physician who was unmarried her whole life - and therefore undoubtedly “queer” and maybe even non-binary due to her non-gender conforming interest in science. The book will document how this queer icon destroyed colonial rule and the heterosexuality that had been imported to India by Britain.

They/Them, Claudius
Historical depictions of Roman Emperor Claudius have typically focussed on his persistent stammer, limp and nervous tics, which saw his ambitious members of his family doubt he would ever rule the Roman Empire. What’s less known is that Claudius was gender fluid.  This new volume on his life will explain how the Emperor not only had to deal with ruthless relatives, including his murder-loving grandmother Livia, but a secondary tier of being misunderstood as he established his identity.

Father Teresa
This groundbreaking book explores the work of Mother Teresa, who's gender identity pale, male and stale historians have for too long assumed. But this book argues that Teresa was actually a “Father”, her moniker only established because of patriarchal assumptions that people with a cervix are better carers than persons with testicles. This book offers a rallying critique of gender norms.